You may have heard in previous blogs that my Monday SAHD day starts with a swimming lesson. I use the word lesson, loosely as it involves 20 minutes of Issac clinging on to me for dear life. We finally worked out that he (just like his daddy) hates cold water. For several weeks now we have been wondering whether he is getting anything out of his swimming other than getting used to the water. I could do this in the bathtub instead.
However, for the first time, he seemed to enjoy himself. He threw the toys in the pool and wanted to get in. Initially, he was worried about the cold temperature (as was his daddy) but when he got used to the temperature, he splashed and made a few gestures with his hands which could have been mistaken for some kind kind of swimming stroke. I think the main difference is that he seems more like himself in the water and is able to try things, instead of looking like he is in a cocoon of fear.
The interesting thing though is the other mums talk to their kids in a way so that you hear their good intentions. "Kate, why aren't you doing the front crawl like I've asked you?" Well one reason is despite the obvious intelligence of our little ones, they are still wearing nappies. This suggests to me that we maybe they are still learning. A second reason is that they don't yet fully understand what we want them to do. I'm sure that I appear to not care about pushing my son. However, this is far from the case. As this is my area of expertise and my job, the important thing is to measure progression, not general ability, especially at this age. Well at any age. Each week he makes small improvements. All I need to do is to not project my issues/demands onto him. It was hard at the start to not be embarrassed when he doesn't do what the other kids are doing. However, once you accept that it's his journey and not yours, you soon get over it and let them enjoy the moment. At the end of the day, we are talking about a 19 month old!!
Monday, 30 July 2012
Friday, 13 July 2012
Cheer up grumpy pants
We had a birthday party bonanza last weekend. 1 on the Saturday and 1 on the Sunday. I was really looking forward to seeing friends that we hadn't seen for a while. The first was across London, which is a journey only a truly sadistic individual will enjoy. When we got there, the party had all the elements for a great day. However, I felt a certain level of discomfort which made me appear grumpy. The second was round the corner and I thought that the reduced travel time would allow me to relax more. It did to a certain extent yet I still at times felt the same level of discomfort and I think I have figured out why.
Firstly, it has nothing to do with the party or the hosts. They were both lovely parties. It is to do with my primary role for the day. As a dad, I have to some degree surrendered the desire to enjoy myself in an activity. I would never voluntarily suggest going to a party with my son. It just never enters my mind. So long as my son and wife are happy, then I am happy. I could be sitting on a bed of nails or having my chest waxed ( I'll tell you about that another time). If my son is giggling and my wife is happy, it was worth it. I used to see dads at parties and wonder why they were so miserable, but now I get it. They aren't there primarily to enjoy themselves whereas your partner or wife hopes they will enjoy some part of the day for themselves.
Here is another thing my wife pointed out. When she is out with our son and he gets fractious, the other mums are mostly understanding and they carry on with business. When a dad is out with his child and they start getting fractious, they want to pick their child up and run as far away as possible. I think I initially used think "aaahhh, I've broken him" during one of my son's 'moments'. One time I ran off in the middle of saying, "I need to tell you something really important." It is my instant reaction to remove my son from his current environment when he kicks off. I saw a couple of dads at one party slowly lose it which culminated in one saying to his son who was dressed like a lion, "for the last time stop roaring, we're going home."
Our friend experienced the same thing on Sunday. She could only relax when the cake and everything else had been done. So it isn't really a male thing. I just notice that more dads are like this as they probably don't socialise with other parents as much as mums do. So the next time you want to say "cheer up grumpy pants" to a dad, just remember that somewhere (sometimes very deep inside) he is having a good time.
Firstly, it has nothing to do with the party or the hosts. They were both lovely parties. It is to do with my primary role for the day. As a dad, I have to some degree surrendered the desire to enjoy myself in an activity. I would never voluntarily suggest going to a party with my son. It just never enters my mind. So long as my son and wife are happy, then I am happy. I could be sitting on a bed of nails or having my chest waxed ( I'll tell you about that another time). If my son is giggling and my wife is happy, it was worth it. I used to see dads at parties and wonder why they were so miserable, but now I get it. They aren't there primarily to enjoy themselves whereas your partner or wife hopes they will enjoy some part of the day for themselves.
Here is another thing my wife pointed out. When she is out with our son and he gets fractious, the other mums are mostly understanding and they carry on with business. When a dad is out with his child and they start getting fractious, they want to pick their child up and run as far away as possible. I think I initially used think "aaahhh, I've broken him" during one of my son's 'moments'. One time I ran off in the middle of saying, "I need to tell you something really important." It is my instant reaction to remove my son from his current environment when he kicks off. I saw a couple of dads at one party slowly lose it which culminated in one saying to his son who was dressed like a lion, "for the last time stop roaring, we're going home."
Our friend experienced the same thing on Sunday. She could only relax when the cake and everything else had been done. So it isn't really a male thing. I just notice that more dads are like this as they probably don't socialise with other parents as much as mums do. So the next time you want to say "cheer up grumpy pants" to a dad, just remember that somewhere (sometimes very deep inside) he is having a good time.
Monday, 25 June 2012
Stabbed in the back.
Today was swimming/clinging day with Isaac. I'm getting used to the familiar faces at the pool. I'm getting even more familiar with the etiquette of not making conversation with women in her swimming costume. Unknown to me, a conversation should only last 2 levels. Question and answer. Never even dream of elaborating on what you have just said otherwise you will get the "i'm really not interested and I really have to go" look as the mum uses their child as an excuse to get away as if their child is playing with a samurai sword left by the pool side. I joke but I am guilty of this too.
So today I was determined to get there early. I am already known as the late dad and have decided to break the habit by getting there early. Isaac seemed to settle down more and there was the smallest improvement from last week. Even though he benefited from our better time keeping, I can't use him as my reasoning for wanting to be early. It was purely to prove to myself and the other mums that I can get there on time. I would say this is true for others too.
So all through the class I was humming "I was early " in the tune of Frere Jacques and karma decided to exact revenge while in the pool and I noticed that my locker key had come off. I looked around and couldn't see it. I knew it would be near as the kids hardly create a wake with their paddling and it is a shallow pool. The teacher noticed I was even less coordinated than usual and asked if I was ok. I said I dropped my key and another women said "Oh it's here. I noticed it earlier and......" I'm still waiting for the end of the sentence. At that point, the other mums glided away in perfect formation like a team of synchronised swimmers and left one of their own to explain her actions. I got the feeling that the other mums saw the key too and avoided it as if it were green kryptonite. Then she said "sorry, you'll have to go and get it. I don't want to get my hair wet." She moved back in line with the others and I picked it up with my foot. This was a mum who I and my wife knew before swimming. I thought at the very least she would stick together when times got tough. It was difficult to get changed with the knife still stuck in my back but at least I know where I stand now. I now know two things about mums at the pool. Firstly, It always bothered me how women appeared to look like they had suckers on the underside of their feet in the pool, while I was slipping all over the place. Now I know they were working furiously beneath the surface to prevent their hair from getting wet. Secondly, the changing room floor is so dry because mums don't shower after they swim as they don't want to get their hair wet.
So today I was determined to get there early. I am already known as the late dad and have decided to break the habit by getting there early. Isaac seemed to settle down more and there was the smallest improvement from last week. Even though he benefited from our better time keeping, I can't use him as my reasoning for wanting to be early. It was purely to prove to myself and the other mums that I can get there on time. I would say this is true for others too.
So all through the class I was humming "I was early " in the tune of Frere Jacques and karma decided to exact revenge while in the pool and I noticed that my locker key had come off. I looked around and couldn't see it. I knew it would be near as the kids hardly create a wake with their paddling and it is a shallow pool. The teacher noticed I was even less coordinated than usual and asked if I was ok. I said I dropped my key and another women said "Oh it's here. I noticed it earlier and......" I'm still waiting for the end of the sentence. At that point, the other mums glided away in perfect formation like a team of synchronised swimmers and left one of their own to explain her actions. I got the feeling that the other mums saw the key too and avoided it as if it were green kryptonite. Then she said "sorry, you'll have to go and get it. I don't want to get my hair wet." She moved back in line with the others and I picked it up with my foot. This was a mum who I and my wife knew before swimming. I thought at the very least she would stick together when times got tough. It was difficult to get changed with the knife still stuck in my back but at least I know where I stand now. I now know two things about mums at the pool. Firstly, It always bothered me how women appeared to look like they had suckers on the underside of their feet in the pool, while I was slipping all over the place. Now I know they were working furiously beneath the surface to prevent their hair from getting wet. Secondly, the changing room floor is so dry because mums don't shower after they swim as they don't want to get their hair wet.
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Things only parents do.
This is a quick list of the strange behaviours I have adopted since becoming a parent. You may have your own. Feel free to add to the list.
1. Thought about or actually showered in the dark for fear of waking children.
2. Moved everything up out of your young child's reach so you now have a million things in one place.
3. Used a turkey baster to wedge a door shut. That's just me!
4. Scratched your clothes clean.
5. Been asked to repeat something you said, only to have forgotten it because you're tired.
6. Made lists to remind yourself to not forget something, then lose the note.
7. Only drink cold tea.
8. Eat standing up.
9. Get used to the smell of kid's poo.
10. Keep smelling kid's poo long after you have changed the nappy.
11. Overslept, making you late for work and thought it was totally worth it.
12. Laugh when your child sneezed in your face.
13. Know the characters to at least 3 kids shows.
14. Not showered until after 12.
15. Sometimes thinking about not showering as you think it takes up too much time.
16. Sitting down on the toilet and saying, " Aaaaaahhhhh"
17. Answered the door without makeup or barely clothed.
18. Either been punched in the boob or kicked in the crotch.
19. Watch a dvd in no less than 3 attempts.
20. Crept around the house as if it had been boobytrapped with IUDs.
1. Thought about or actually showered in the dark for fear of waking children.
2. Moved everything up out of your young child's reach so you now have a million things in one place.
3. Used a turkey baster to wedge a door shut. That's just me!
4. Scratched your clothes clean.
5. Been asked to repeat something you said, only to have forgotten it because you're tired.
6. Made lists to remind yourself to not forget something, then lose the note.
7. Only drink cold tea.
8. Eat standing up.
9. Get used to the smell of kid's poo.
10. Keep smelling kid's poo long after you have changed the nappy.
11. Overslept, making you late for work and thought it was totally worth it.
12. Laugh when your child sneezed in your face.
13. Know the characters to at least 3 kids shows.
14. Not showered until after 12.
15. Sometimes thinking about not showering as you think it takes up too much time.
16. Sitting down on the toilet and saying, " Aaaaaahhhhh"
17. Answered the door without makeup or barely clothed.
18. Either been punched in the boob or kicked in the crotch.
19. Watch a dvd in no less than 3 attempts.
20. Crept around the house as if it had been boobytrapped with IUDs.
Monday, 11 June 2012
Tag Teams.
If anyone has ever watched WWE (formerly WWF) they will have seen a tag team in action. A well choreographed match will involve one of the teams taking a serious beating and left on the brink of defeat. You think It's all over for them but as they tag in their partner, the momentum swings back to them. They usually go on to win the match. Or you have the other scenario where the opposing tag team are arguing which is then exploited by the other team and they steal the win. The parallels between this and being a parent are surreal.
When you are up 4 times in the night, it starts to wear you down. You try to talk yourself into staying strong, but the mind talk takes over and you sometimes fall prey to your emotions. You want to scream and shout but it doesn't make any difference to your child. Screaming may bring a brief rest bite from their tears. However, their look of disbelief that YOU have lost your temper soon makes you realise that it hasn't helped the situation. What does help is being part of a tag team. My wife told me on several occasions she felt like like the the partner who really needed to tag out to get some recovery.
The first time I was tagged in, in hindsight,it was too late. Now I can spot the signs and where possible tag in a bit sooner. Guys, no matter how early you have to get up for work or whatever, you need to be ready to tag in. I never realised how much the short break to refresh yourself was needed until I did night shifts. I really respect single parents as just knowing my wife was available when I did the night shift was a great comfort.
A note of caution. Your opponent isn't your child or children. The true opponent is your perception of what is happening. Your young child isn't thinking "i'm going to cry all night to annoy my parents." They don't know how long or hard your day has been. This may annoy some parents but the truth is it isn't the end of the world that they are crying all the time. However, your mind tells you it is. It's important to try to separate truth/fact from our thoughts as they will and often lie to us. Sometimes I've got into a train of bad thoughts and catastrophise about how tired I'll be in the morning. Instead of just getting on with the task at hand and seeing what happens. Tagging in your partner can break that cycle and give you some space to think. Second note of caution. Most tag teams end up arguing as they think one partner does all the work while the other takes the victory. It's always important to remind your bruised and battered partner that It's team work. Never feel you deserve the high 5 after settling your child after a few minutes when your partner has been at it for hours. It's the sum of all the parts that create success, not the individual.
When you are up 4 times in the night, it starts to wear you down. You try to talk yourself into staying strong, but the mind talk takes over and you sometimes fall prey to your emotions. You want to scream and shout but it doesn't make any difference to your child. Screaming may bring a brief rest bite from their tears. However, their look of disbelief that YOU have lost your temper soon makes you realise that it hasn't helped the situation. What does help is being part of a tag team. My wife told me on several occasions she felt like like the the partner who really needed to tag out to get some recovery.
The first time I was tagged in, in hindsight,it was too late. Now I can spot the signs and where possible tag in a bit sooner. Guys, no matter how early you have to get up for work or whatever, you need to be ready to tag in. I never realised how much the short break to refresh yourself was needed until I did night shifts. I really respect single parents as just knowing my wife was available when I did the night shift was a great comfort.
A note of caution. Your opponent isn't your child or children. The true opponent is your perception of what is happening. Your young child isn't thinking "i'm going to cry all night to annoy my parents." They don't know how long or hard your day has been. This may annoy some parents but the truth is it isn't the end of the world that they are crying all the time. However, your mind tells you it is. It's important to try to separate truth/fact from our thoughts as they will and often lie to us. Sometimes I've got into a train of bad thoughts and catastrophise about how tired I'll be in the morning. Instead of just getting on with the task at hand and seeing what happens. Tagging in your partner can break that cycle and give you some space to think. Second note of caution. Most tag teams end up arguing as they think one partner does all the work while the other takes the victory. It's always important to remind your bruised and battered partner that It's team work. Never feel you deserve the high 5 after settling your child after a few minutes when your partner has been at it for hours. It's the sum of all the parts that create success, not the individual.
Wednesday, 16 May 2012
Turn the phone off!
I was chatting to a client about spending quality time with my son and how I don't want to miss these years in the name of staying busy. He agreed and said a friend of his was waiting for the day when he would find the time to spend with his son. Last week his son said he was moving out. He felt he had missed all of the 18 years of his son's life. This is real worry of mine and I decided to write this blog.
When you work all day and come home to your family, It's pretty difficult to switch off. My wife could be talking to me and there's only 25% of me listening. Even though this may be classed as a skill which most husbands need, as a dad, my mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts. Sometimes, I need to write a note to not forget to do my to do list.
More recently, I have noticed that I'm not as present when my son is having his dinner. I'm checking the phone, maybe replying to e-mails. Things which could wait and may seem fairly innocuous to most. However, I'm choosing to use the precious time I could be spending with my son on other things. I even caught myself replying to a message while my son was in the bath. The more I thought about it, I didn't like it one bit. I want to know that there is time each day set aside for quality time with the family. Otherwise bad habits form and you can feel resentful that your family is dragging you away from things that need doing (which actually don't need doing at that particular moment).
So I have decided to turn my phone off from the time I get in until my son goes to bed. It's only 2 1/2 hours, but it is quality time I can't get back. Kids will go through the phase where they will not want to be around their parents so I need to enjoy this time as much as possible. Day 1 done and it felt so much more relaxing than normal. I'm just a husband and dad for a few hours and I allowed myself to relax too. There was no emergency which needed me to use my phone. No one needed a quick training tip. I'd got into a bad habit and as the internet or your e-mail is so accessible, it is easy to make yourself busy. I also don't like knowing I 'need' my phone.
Even though half of the time Isaac was running around and trying to poke my eyes out, he seemed to like having his daddy there. I think my wife appreciated the extra support too. I'll endeavour to make this a regular habit. Life's too short and I don't want to think I wasted valuable time checking e-mails or Facebook instead of connecting with my son.
When you work all day and come home to your family, It's pretty difficult to switch off. My wife could be talking to me and there's only 25% of me listening. Even though this may be classed as a skill which most husbands need, as a dad, my mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts. Sometimes, I need to write a note to not forget to do my to do list.
More recently, I have noticed that I'm not as present when my son is having his dinner. I'm checking the phone, maybe replying to e-mails. Things which could wait and may seem fairly innocuous to most. However, I'm choosing to use the precious time I could be spending with my son on other things. I even caught myself replying to a message while my son was in the bath. The more I thought about it, I didn't like it one bit. I want to know that there is time each day set aside for quality time with the family. Otherwise bad habits form and you can feel resentful that your family is dragging you away from things that need doing (which actually don't need doing at that particular moment).
So I have decided to turn my phone off from the time I get in until my son goes to bed. It's only 2 1/2 hours, but it is quality time I can't get back. Kids will go through the phase where they will not want to be around their parents so I need to enjoy this time as much as possible. Day 1 done and it felt so much more relaxing than normal. I'm just a husband and dad for a few hours and I allowed myself to relax too. There was no emergency which needed me to use my phone. No one needed a quick training tip. I'd got into a bad habit and as the internet or your e-mail is so accessible, it is easy to make yourself busy. I also don't like knowing I 'need' my phone.
Even though half of the time Isaac was running around and trying to poke my eyes out, he seemed to like having his daddy there. I think my wife appreciated the extra support too. I'll endeavour to make this a regular habit. Life's too short and I don't want to think I wasted valuable time checking e-mails or Facebook instead of connecting with my son.
Friday, 4 May 2012
Goodbye empathy.
Conversations have a different feel to what they used to before I became a parent. I would often feel a sense of empathy when others relayed their current problems. I still do for most things except when people tell me they are tired or busy. I would previously reply, "that's a shame." I would genuinely feel the other person's pain. Now It's a different story.
I think we need to get the white elephant out of the room. When you become a parent, you will most likely lose more sleep than you would at any other time of your life. It's not scheduled sleep loss either which is what makes it worse. Imagine going to sleep and there is someone standing over you with a bucket of ice cold water. They will throw it over you at some point in the night. You just don't know when. I've done early starts for work before but nothing comes to close to the sleepless nights you can get with a child. We were quite fortunate that our son liked to sleep. However when the teeth kick in or they have a cold, the bucket of water is thrown over you 2,3, or even 4 times per night. Sometimes as soon as the duvet touches your chin. It is all part of the fun though. Or so I am told!
So when you've spent months, sometimes years walking around in a permanent daze. Or been too busy or too tired scratch your child's food stain from your clothes (don't tell me I'm the only one who does this) hearing how tired or busy people without kids are has a different ring to it. Sometimes I have a complete loss of empathy and start narrating in my head while they are talking. Mostly I narrate a scene from pulp fiction which all have a gruesome ending. In one case, a friend said he doesn't do being tired. He hadn't had his normal 9 hours. He then said he didn't understand how I could be so tired if my son goes to sleep at 7:30 and mostly wakes up at 6:30. I can hear the pulp fiction music start.
Then you have the "very busy" crew. I often hear people trying to "out busy" each other in conversation (it's funny when you get two tired parents trying to out do each other). Well a parent will match how busy you are and then raise it by a factor of 50. A friend of mine used to chuckle when I used to say I was busy or tired. He has 2 kids and was in the middle of severe sleepless nights. When I hear someone who hasn't got kids try to convince me they are very busy, I recall an episode of Tom and Jerry where a character turns red with rage as his head swells and Tom can't get away quick enough. If you haven't got kids, I wouldn't mention how busy or how tired you are to parents. Otherwise you may see how the cartoon ends.
I apologise if this sounds like a whinge. I'm aware that this is all some parents talk about. I also know there are people out there who are genuinely tired and busy without kids. However, I thought I was busy and tired before I was blessed with Isaac. It now makes me realise I didn't really appreciate how good I had it! You'll be pleased to know, I'm trying to find my empathy. Worst case scenario is I'll open my eyes as wide as I can, tilt my head to the side and say, "you poor thing" as I simulate it!
I think we need to get the white elephant out of the room. When you become a parent, you will most likely lose more sleep than you would at any other time of your life. It's not scheduled sleep loss either which is what makes it worse. Imagine going to sleep and there is someone standing over you with a bucket of ice cold water. They will throw it over you at some point in the night. You just don't know when. I've done early starts for work before but nothing comes to close to the sleepless nights you can get with a child. We were quite fortunate that our son liked to sleep. However when the teeth kick in or they have a cold, the bucket of water is thrown over you 2,3, or even 4 times per night. Sometimes as soon as the duvet touches your chin. It is all part of the fun though. Or so I am told!
So when you've spent months, sometimes years walking around in a permanent daze. Or been too busy or too tired scratch your child's food stain from your clothes (don't tell me I'm the only one who does this) hearing how tired or busy people without kids are has a different ring to it. Sometimes I have a complete loss of empathy and start narrating in my head while they are talking. Mostly I narrate a scene from pulp fiction which all have a gruesome ending. In one case, a friend said he doesn't do being tired. He hadn't had his normal 9 hours. He then said he didn't understand how I could be so tired if my son goes to sleep at 7:30 and mostly wakes up at 6:30. I can hear the pulp fiction music start.
Then you have the "very busy" crew. I often hear people trying to "out busy" each other in conversation (it's funny when you get two tired parents trying to out do each other). Well a parent will match how busy you are and then raise it by a factor of 50. A friend of mine used to chuckle when I used to say I was busy or tired. He has 2 kids and was in the middle of severe sleepless nights. When I hear someone who hasn't got kids try to convince me they are very busy, I recall an episode of Tom and Jerry where a character turns red with rage as his head swells and Tom can't get away quick enough. If you haven't got kids, I wouldn't mention how busy or how tired you are to parents. Otherwise you may see how the cartoon ends.
I apologise if this sounds like a whinge. I'm aware that this is all some parents talk about. I also know there are people out there who are genuinely tired and busy without kids. However, I thought I was busy and tired before I was blessed with Isaac. It now makes me realise I didn't really appreciate how good I had it! You'll be pleased to know, I'm trying to find my empathy. Worst case scenario is I'll open my eyes as wide as I can, tilt my head to the side and say, "you poor thing" as I simulate it!
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