Dad again!

Something really strange happened the other week. I became a dad for the second time! Well, it wasn't strange in the sense that you've been waiting for nearly 7 months. It was strange in the sense that all the feelings I had the first time round resurfaced. However this time, there were many differences compared to the first time.

I didn't tell many people at the time but when my first child was born, it was a bit of a shock to the system. Bonding didn't really happen for some time. Hence why I needed to write about it as I found out that many people had a similar experience. I never really felt ready to be a parent. I just stopped caring about losing my single life. It was a similar experience for my second. The point came where both of us wanted to try again, but we were more ambivalent to staying as a family of three, rather than desperately wanting a second. Does that make sense? This time round however, I couldn't believe how much more connected I felt. I'm even proud to say it brought me to tears. For this, I have my son to thank for paving the way. As I watched my wife giving birth, it reminded me of how amazing the human body is. So is the brain for that matter. The process by which similar experiences feel very different is incredible. 

People have already asked what it's like to have a second. To be honest, it's going to be very different for each person. However, we expected and found that our relationship with our son would be the tricky part. The lack of sleep can be challenging, but because you've been through it before, it does seem more manageable this time. Our son was a bit confused at first, but he has now developed into a fine big brother. He wants to look after her, he gets himself dressed more often and just seems to be relishing being treated more like a grown up. There are a few moments for example when he tries to put his sister in a cardboard box. On the whole, things are going good so far. I 

So here's WAD (What About Dad) signing off as a very proud, but yet again, sleep deprived dad. 

Buggy testing.

As we are expecting our second child, thoughts of what we went through the first time keep coming back to me. I remember wondering what on earth to get. Vests, muslins, bottles, socks, nappies.....the list is endless. However, what I would absolutely know what to buy again, is a buggy. Shame we don’t need one!

I’m walking down the street with a box under my arm, some shopping in the tray and Isaac in the buggy.  I’m trying to push and steer the buggy with one hand. My forearm is on fire and I’m getting cramp in my fingers. I’m constantly fighting the camber of the pavement, and Isaac veering into the road of oncoming traffic. All I kept thinking was I never tested this in the shop when we were buying it. It got me thinking about how we shopped for a buggy in the first place. We liked the colour. I gave the buggy a half-yard push backward and forwards. I did change the seat a few times as well as collapsing the frame. However, knowing what I know now, I would have put it under much more rigorous testing. Here is a dad’s guide to buggy testing. 

Take 10/15 kg weight to the shop and put it in the seat. You'll be pushing it at snail's pace when it is a new born. However, when the child gets older, it will be heavier and you'll put shopping etc in it. This will then give you a realistic idea how it will handle. 

Forget straight lines. Unless you are on the motorway, you’ll need to navigate that thing better than a formula 1 car at Monaco. Set up a slalom in the shop and weave in and out. 

Test getting in and out of tight spaces. practice the 12 point turn. Also getting through a door that is too small to get through yourself. Trust me, if you need to, you’ll get through that door one way or another. The test is to see how the ram- pram copes with ordeal.

Run into posts. Start off with plastic ones. Then progress to wood and then metal. See how the weight copes with being hit from the front, and then the sides. This will prepare you for supermarkets and contact with other buggies. 

Experiment with hills. Going up hill may be tough if the buggy is too low or high. Going down hill could be challenging if the weight distribution is too far back. 

Practice the steps. Experiment bouncing the pram and the weight up and down the steps. See how the suspension copes. Hold a cup of coffee in your hand and see if you still have any left. Also, see how a passerby could help you up or down the steps. Is there a specific point they could hold, or will you make them feel they wish had never asked?

Repeat all the points above at speed. Then you need to do all the tests above holding onto it with 1 hand and for 10 mins max. 

Get it in and out of the car at speed. This is ok when you have a baby. When you have a toddler who has ants in his/her pants, you only have a small window of opportunity before they try to escape while you are still putting the buggy down. 

Then you have the destruction test. The buggy will be handled delicately for a while, but eventually it will be thrown around like a rag doll. How many times can it take being hurled around before something falls off. Also, how expensive is it to fix the thing that has dropped off?

There you go. A much more rigorous test to find the best buggy for you. Forget the named brands or the top one with the best customer service. You want the one that prevents you from ever needing to contact customer services. Try these out and if at the end of the test you don’t like buggy in the shop, now comes your final test. The 100m sprint out of the shop. You’ll need this when your child wanders off, so consider it practice!  

Potty training.

This is something that neither me or my wife had ever contemplated would be a big problem. We often felt that we would try it in the summer as we could cope with accidents better if our son was outside. Parenthood constantly reminds me to make a plan, and then throw it in the bin! It was a little easier being mainly in the garden, but it raised a whole heap of challenges I will share with you. Warning!! If you are squeamish or you don't want to know, don't read this.

I'll cut straight to it. Toilet training has been one of our biggest challenges as parent so far. What was interesting was as usual, parents are unwilling to talk about their struggles. All we heard was, "it's fine. It only takes a few days and they're fine." I took issue with this advice as it sometimes came from the men who were not always around to clean up the mess. In most cases, I chalk up any apparent success as a chance occurrence, unless backed by some proper evidence. Otherwise parents think they have the secret formula because it worked with both their kids. They then tell their friends. Some people swear by it and they then tell their friends. Then someone writes a book. Then you throw the book out in frustration. The problem is, for the small percentage of people who it works for, there is an even larger percentage who it doesn't work for. This is the danger with advice. I work in health and fitness and the biggest problem I face is people who give advice who aren't qualified to. They are trying to be helpful, but they don't know how then to help the person if their advice doesn't work. This then just leaves the person in a worst state than when they asked for help. This was the case for us with toilet training. 

We had a week from hell where everyone was in tears. I remember chasing one of my son's beetroot stained stools around the garden while he was trying to wash his soiled swimming trunks in his paddling pool. The amount of times the bucket and bleach made an appearance got to the point where there was no point putting them away. You wash and scrub your hands so much to try to get the smell of bum off them. The house constantly smelled of poo. It appeared to be distressing everyone, so we decided to calm it down. Some thought we should have carried on, however, when we started again, it clicked with him. We were also much calmer which helps. I don't think kids wake up and think, "today I'm going to do a massive poo in my pants to annoy my parents." So you need to find a way to cut them some slack when you see they have a tail in their pants, accompanied by 'that smell'.

When I consulted other parents about this topic, I found a large number of people had varying degrees of success. So my advice to you is do not believe the hype, as parents lie! So I thought I would give my insight into this. It isn't advice, it's merely what worked for us. Here is my guide to reducing the stress you might face. 

• You can't rush nature. The child needs to be ready physically to hold on and to push. Trying to shame a child will not make a difference if they can't turn off their tap.  
• You need a lot of patience so you also need to be ready. Don't try to be a tiger mum or Superdad by trying to get it done in a weekend to fit your schedule. Even when they start using the toilet, they will have accidents. 
• My son found doing a wee quite funny and he seemed to always do it in the bath. So that told us he can push when he wanted to. I had to show him that he could make the same noise in the toilet, which was fun.............after the 131st time.  
• Reward/bribery works a treat. We couldn't get our son to sit on the toilet, so we let him watch his favourite programme. When he was on there for 30 minutes, we realised that we needed to wean him off it! However, it got him to sit down. When he did his first poo, we made a big deal of it. So every time he then did a poo, he would shout, "I've done a poo. Yaaayyyy". It works for now, but we may have to phase out this celebration before he becomes an adult. 
• Toilet training survival kit for when you are away from home. Nappy bags, 5 pairs of underpants, 3 pairs of quick release trousers, 3 spare t-shirts, sanitising wipes. Also pack a spare pair change of clothing for yourself too.
• Toilet training kit for home. Bucket, bleach, Oust, patience. 
• Put them in old clothes that you would't mind either having to cut them out of, or covered in poo and wee.
• Don't be scared to stop it and try it again. As both child and parents need to be ready. If you're all reduced to tears and going nowhere, have a few weeks off. 
• Hang on in there. The light at the end of the tunnel is seeing your child doing their business on the toilet. Nappy and wet wipe usage calms right down and you start to lose the bum smell from your home. 

Not more camping

So I realised I didn't f finish telling you about the rest of our camping trip. So here is the conclusion to the world's longest ever cliffhanger!!

So our first night camping was very interesting. Isaac woke several times as he was spooked by the tent sheet flapping in the wind. Then by the torches that people used to navigate their way around the tents. Add to this the rain, sleeping in a different compartment of the tent and it was the perfect recipe for a pretty bad night. So this was the look of 'just you wait until tonight' that our friends gave us as we arrived at the site. They had already been through this. It was part of the parent’s code. You know, the one where new parents don’t tell parents in waiting that they need to hold on to their exuberance and excitement as it will get dragged naked through a thorn bush for about 7 months.  In the end, the next few nights were absolutely fine and he didn’t even notice the new distractions. 

In all honesty, the experience was much better than I was expecting. The big thing was the weather. We were very fortunate that we had great weather as we would have been pretty stuffed without it. The kids all played together and loved running around. One night, we had a barbecue and grilled some steaks. Karen was outside, I was cooking nice food and Isaac was playing with his mates. I felt we could stay here all week. However, when I realised that we were indeed going home on Sunday morning, I took down our tent with such speed, that people commented on it. “Chris is keen,” some said. I had been casually distracted from the fact that I was about to reunited with my bed, running hot water and a fridge. All the mod-cons that I live for. 

We loaded up the car and decided to go for a walk down the pier as there was a fish and chip shop right on the waterfront. When we got there, there was a queue (which is always a good thing). When we ordered, they said the words which were music to my ears. “ It will be 7 minutes as we cook everything fresh.” It was delicious. We ate our fish and chips and I thought to myself, as painful as this was, I’m thankful that we are creating memories for Isaac and as a family. Also looking back, you forget the painful parts and remember the good parts. We wouldn’t have had this much fun in a hotel. Who has fun with room service and central heating??

So I realised that I didn't f finish telling you about the rest of our camping trip. So here is the world's longest ever cliffhanger!!

I've forgotten how to pack.

If you’ve never been to Centreparcs, you need bikes to get around. They operate a car-free policy whereby you can drop off your things in a designated window, but you must then leave your car in the car park until your check out slot. They are grouped so there are times where the only vehicles on the road are service vehicles and the train/bus. This is great as a parent, as you feel your kids can run freely and you can take a break from constantly instilling fear into them about the dangers of the road. It is important to teach this, but I often feel I don't balance it out, so it was a nice change. 

As I mentioned earlier, it was our first holiday in while and my packing was definitely indicitive of someone who had not been holiday for a while. The things I packed as essentials were. 

Fish oil

Hair clippers

Moisturiser

Watch

Aftershave. 

I didn’t bring my waterproof, jacket or hat, many jumpers, many shoes......I didn’t really know what the hell to pack as I was a novice holiday maker again. I also didn’t really know what I would do for fun with the family. When you are with your child, you tend to operate in survival mode, which is a state of “what do they need? When did they last eat? How much sleep have they had? When was the last poo they did?” Nowhere in this thought process do you ever think about options for yourself for 5 days away from home. So I was a little underprepared to cycle for 5 days in the pouring rain. On our way to the pool, I had a bulging holdall bag with my swimming stuff in. We got our bikes and they were a little on the small side. I had to put my bag over one shoulder and hold the handlebars with one hand. Considering I was the only black guy in the village, the look I was fashioning looked like I should have been selling watches on beach in Cyrpus, or down Croydon highstreet. 

So where we (see the last blog)? Oh yes we were waiting to go down the slide. The light was on red. the jets of water were rushing past us. I was assured that this was the gentle slide. We had a green light and we were cleared for take off. We started to move and then we got stuck! I hadn’t allowed for the extra weight in my hips as Isaac was sat on my lap. I had to lie down, then sit up and lie down again to try to get momentum. The CCTV must have been hilarious yet I felt I wasn’t the only dad who had done this. I couldn’t believe I was ruining this for Isaac. He started to look uncomfortable with my technique to propel him down the green tube. Eventually we got going. He seemed to enjoy the gentle slide. That was until we started to gather speed. I knew the end of the slide was coming but I didn’t really know what to expect as Isaac does not do underwater. As we hit the water, I thrust him up to avoid immiment drowing, but as I tried to see where he was, my thrashing pulled him under. When I got back to the surface, he seemed perfectly fine. All those painful swimming lessons seemed to have finally paid off as when I asked him if he wanted to do it again, he said, “more daddy.”

First family holiday

So it’s our first ever family holiday after our camping trip. I never did finish telling you how that went.....Part 2 coming soon!  We decided to go to Centreparcs even though again I had my reservations. I thought it was another ‘camping in disguise’ holiday. If you had read my previous blogs, you will know that i’m not really a fan of camping. However, I was pleasantly surprised. We went to Longleat as we had some friends going too. Once you re-shape your mind into what a family holiday will look like, you start to relax a bit. Doing what you want when you want is a distance memory. However, it doesn't make it less enjoyable. So when you see other parents trying to keep their kids entertained at lunchtime with various books or toys, or you will suddenly see a child bolt out from set of doors, only to be rugby tackled moments later by their dad, it all becomes a familiar pattern of a family holiday. The difference between here and other places is that everyone is in the same boat, so there is no need to apologise or hang your head in shame when your child decides to wear their dinner instead of eating it. Everyone understands and has probably just gone through the same thing. 

The first day we decided to go to the water park. As it was indoors, we thought the heat would be appealing to both myself and Isaac. He seems to have inherited the African gene which has an aversion to the cold. The last couple of years of swimming lessons started to come flooding back as we did the towel dance in the changing rooms. Once Isaac was suited and booted in his armbands, we went straight in the pool. It was nice and warm for me, but probably too hot for most people. I definitely thought we could get used to this. 

We decided to go straight for the wave tunnel. The machine was charging up so It had a gently current taking you round in a loop. Isaac isn’t normally one for danger. In fact he seems to have a ‘spider-sense’ which kicks in just before he is about to try something new. However, he was grinning like a cheshire cat all the way around. "He’s loving this," I thought, so I cranked it up a notch as we went for the slides. Too much? Only time will tell. As we sat in the tunnel waiting for the lights to go green, I wasn’t sure who was more nervous. Isaac or me. This was our one chance to either embrace the adrenaline, or permanently scar my son for life.........

We're back.

A few people have been asking me what has happened to the dad blog. Well after a bit of a break, we are going again. We have a lot to share. We had our first holiday, we've had 'fun' with removing the cot bars and many more interesting and challenging events. Today we resumed swimming, which was interesting as if you have read my previous blogs about this, you will know that Isaac does not take to swimming like the proverbial 'duck to water.' However, after a brief bootcamp swimming experience in Centre Parcs, he was laughing much more than he ever did. Dare I say it, he actually looked like he enjoyed himself. Then, daddy ruined the experience by getting shampoo in his eyes and him screaming the changing area down. I'll talk about this more in the holiday blog, but what we realised is he doesn't like the cold. Which isn't really a suprise as:

A: It is a natural survival instinct to not freeze to death.

B: Neither do I.

So the pool being that bit warmer and daddy being that bit warmer did help. How I had missed our weekly crotch kicking, eye scratching bonding experience which ends with a Brazilian style wax as I take off my swimming shorts, due to the ridiculous design of the netting that us fellas need on the inside of our shorts. If anyone has any tips on this area, feel free to share them as I desperately need them!!

Anyway, that's all for now.