Turn the phone off!

I was chatting to a client about spending quality time with my son and how I don't want to miss these years in the name of staying busy. He agreed and said a friend of his was waiting for the day when he would find the time to spend with his son. Last week his son said he was moving out. He felt he had missed all of the 18 years of his son's life. This is real worry of mine and I decided to write this blog.

When you work all day and come home to your family, It's pretty difficult to switch off. My wife could be talking to me and there's only 25% of me listening. Even though this may be classed as a skill which most husbands need, as a dad, my mind is racing with all sorts of thoughts. Sometimes, I need to write a note to not forget to do my to do list.

More recently, I have noticed that I'm not as present when my son is having his dinner. I'm checking the phone, maybe replying to e-mails. Things which could wait and may seem fairly innocuous to most. However, I'm choosing to use the precious time I could be spending with my son on other things. I even caught myself replying to a message while my son was in the bath. The more I thought about it, I didn't like it one bit. I want to know that there is time each day set aside for quality time with the family. Otherwise bad habits form and you can feel resentful that your family is dragging you away from things that need doing (which actually don't need doing at that particular moment).

So I have decided to turn my phone off from the time I get in until my son goes to bed. It's only 2 1/2 hours, but it is quality time I can't get back. Kids will go through the phase where they will not want to be around their parents so I need to enjoy this time as much as possible. Day 1 done and it felt so much more relaxing than normal. I'm just a husband and dad for a few hours and I allowed myself to relax too. There was no emergency which needed me to use my phone. No one needed a quick training tip. I'd got into a bad habit and as the internet or your e-mail is so accessible, it is easy to make yourself busy. I also don't like knowing I 'need' my phone.

Even though half of the time Isaac was running around and trying to poke my eyes out, he seemed to like having his daddy there. I think my wife appreciated the extra support too. I'll endeavour to make this a regular habit. Life's too short and I don't want to think I wasted valuable time checking e-mails or Facebook instead of connecting with my son.

Goodbye empathy.

Conversations have a different feel to what they used to before I became a parent. I would often feel a sense of empathy when others relayed their current problems. I still do for most things except when people tell me they are tired or busy. I would previously reply, "that's a shame." I would genuinely feel the other person's pain. Now It's a different story.

I think we need to get the white elephant out of the room. When you become a parent, you will most likely lose more sleep than you would at any other time of your life. It's not scheduled sleep loss either which is what makes it worse. Imagine going to sleep and there is someone standing over you with a bucket of ice cold water. They will throw it over you at some point in the night. You just don't know when. I've done early starts for work before but nothing comes to close to the sleepless nights you can get with a child. We were quite fortunate that our son liked to sleep. However when the teeth kick in or they have a cold, the bucket of water is thrown over you 2,3, or even 4 times per night. Sometimes as soon as the duvet touches your chin. It is all part of the fun though. Or so I am told!

So when you've spent months, sometimes years walking around in a permanent daze. Or been too busy or too tired scratch your child's food stain from your clothes (don't tell me I'm the only one who does this) hearing how tired or busy people without kids are has a different ring to it. Sometimes I have a complete loss of empathy and start narrating in my head while they are talking. Mostly I narrate a scene from pulp fiction which all have a gruesome ending. In one case, a friend said he doesn't do being tired. He hadn't had his normal 9 hours. He then said he didn't understand how I could be so tired if my son goes to sleep at 7:30 and mostly wakes up at 6:30. I can hear the pulp fiction music start.

Then you have the "very busy" crew. I often hear people trying to "out busy" each other in conversation (it's funny when you get two tired parents trying to out do each other). Well a parent will match how busy you are and then raise it by a factor of 50. A friend of mine used to chuckle when I used to say I was busy or tired. He has 2 kids and was in the middle of severe sleepless nights. When I hear someone who hasn't got kids try to convince me they are very busy, I recall an episode of Tom and Jerry where a character turns red with rage as his head swells and Tom can't get away quick enough. If you haven't got kids, I wouldn't mention how busy or how tired you are to parents. Otherwise you may see how the cartoon ends.

I apologise if this sounds like a whinge. I'm aware that this is all some parents talk about. I also know there are people out there who are genuinely tired and busy without kids. However, I thought I was busy and tired before I was blessed with Isaac. It now makes me realise I didn't really appreciate how good I had it!  You'll be pleased to know, I'm trying to find my empathy. Worst case scenario is I'll open my eyes as wide as I can, tilt my head to the side and say, "you poor thing" as I simulate it!

The checkout lady's daughter at the supermarket is having a baby.

The first time Karen left me alone all day with Isaac, she was noticeably anxious and repeatedly asked if I'd be ok. I find there's no better way to boost someone's confidence than by continually asking them if they are ok, or if they will 'manage'. Eventually Karen left and after the 7th text, I settled into my new Monday role. The first 6 weeks, was pure survival. I had a list of things to do and places to go. I was lucky to get 1 thing done! My wife didn't tell me this. You have to completely let go of what you want to do. I didn't really want to go out as it was too much to think about. Eventually I did and I felt like Roger Bannister breaking the 4 mins mile record. Now I'm out and about at kid's groups and even venture up to the high street. However I'm starting to notice a startling similarity to my wife. I've started to chew my wife's ear off with ridiculous gossip which I've picked up. It could be the checkout lady's daughter at the supermarket is having a baby. Or something else completely random! Whenever Karen did this to me, I couldn't understand it. She is equally as uninterested in my gossip as I am after a long day. As you don't have many adult conversations when you spend all day with a child, it picks up on the most ridiculous information. So my strategy is as soon as I start to feel I'm being drawn in, I say I have to get Isaac home for his sleep! Keep conversations short and sweet guys. Otherwise you will become that person you try to avoid in the street.